This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
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And then there were 4
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.