@AbbyHasIssues: This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
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@ImFunnyMang: And on the 32nd day, God had forgotten to end his free trial, so he was charged for the month.
@timdonakowski: When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I'm the guy that asks, "So, what did she say?" I'm funny that way.
@brianbowman73: *applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory* What's your theory? That money can buy happiness.
@GrantTanaka: me: so what, you're gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life wife: no, the rest of yours