@AbbyHasIssues: This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
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@nachosarah: when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
@DudeImShawn: Math problem: Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now? A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
@funnybeachgirl: 2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says "YOU MAN THE GUNS, I'LL DRIVE!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (I'm not deleting this)