This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
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kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.