7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
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[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
*cough*
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
wut hotdog?
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial