“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
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windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Sell your car
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children