*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
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ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
This kid will have a bright future.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD