This is amazing.
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PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.