This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
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*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.