This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
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When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
definitely did not do anything wrong
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
why I oughta
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert