*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
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it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.