@viciousbabydoll: This is an example of the shit I text my kid. I know, I know. Mom of the Year material right here.
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@ShittyComedian: No officer the joke's on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.
@IamEnidColeslaw: my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
@moose_chocolate: I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.