Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
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i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Breaking news:
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Once again not all heroes wear capes
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home