HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
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Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*