“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
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*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!