me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
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We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true