Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
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The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.