This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
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#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.