This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
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Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
girls literally only want one thing..
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.