I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
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So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due