Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
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Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
😂😂
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
where the womens at?
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Kermit goes Blue.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…