@DrinkingDad: "This is bullshit" - bull farmer giving barn tours
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@juanadog: Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I'm kidding.
@panmidwest: ME: I made you some coffee! It's even double filtered… fancy right? WIFE: ME: WIFE: couldn't separate the coffee filters could you? ME: no
@Sarcasticsapien: I hate the phrase "let me clarify" because it means someone is about to talk some more.
@i_Lean: Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says "WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP"