@DrinkingDad: "This is bullshit" - bull farmer giving barn tours
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@seancoleran: Girlfriend: Why is this broom broken? Did you draw a lightning bolt on the cat? Are you writing with a feather? Me: Muggles....
@Rlpihl: [driving 2 school] *looks back,sees toothbrushes in child carseats WAIT! IF YOU'RE HERE THEN... [cut to kids at home, covered in toothpaste]
@abbycohenwl: *pulls motorist over* COP: Are you high? MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree? *one leaf silently falls from cop*
@fatherofcomedy: I don't like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.