“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
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13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?