Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”![]()
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If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.