“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
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my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get