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Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…