@ericsshadow: This is Eric's wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
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@Manda_like_wine: I walked up to my 9yo and said, "How goes it?" He looks up at me and says, "God is history's greatest serial killer."
@zbinski: The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
@jonnysun: my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
@rolldiggity: Hate when the cop is like, "Sir, have you been petting kittens?" and I say, "I petted a few..." as I open the car door and kittens spill out