This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
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Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
How about daylight saves us for once
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
it was a valiant fight
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.