I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
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I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did