This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
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If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.