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@ohheyohhihello: This is it. This is the best headline.
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
@philyuck: President’s Day is just a holiday invented by Presidents to sell more Presidents.
@Underchilde: “There’s no use crying over spilt milk.”
Unless you spill it on a winning Powerball ticket, then you should probably cry.
@yaboybillnye: Yo mama so dumb she tried to minimize a 9 variable function to a sum of products wit a karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey Algorithm
@daemonic3: [1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part's ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo