The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
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(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?