Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
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Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.