This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
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Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Bike is short for Bichael.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.