This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
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You got this…
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms