This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
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Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign