@lukekarmali: This is literally the best thing I've ever seen happen on Twitter
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@bornmiserable: [me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn't specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
@justabloodygame: The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
@Home_Halfway: It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
@Sickayduh: Good cop: You have the right to remain silent Girlfriend cop: What's wrong? Why are you being so quiet? Are you mad? I hate when you're lik