@mishakey: Nothing terrifies me more than hearing, "Mommy close your eyes I have a present."

@3sunzzz: [traffic stop] Officer: Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over? Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I'm guessing the aquarium called?

@robyn_vo: I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I'm the lead singer of Creed.

@OhNoSheTwitnt: I've been clicking "remind me later" on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I'm not interested?

@mofrorock: "Of course you're the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol