@AimeeHelene1: *seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you* *grabs last bag of Cheetos* *tucks, rolls, and runs away*

@0point5twins: "Do you want to play doctors and nurses?" *flirty giggle* "ok..." "I'm a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year"

@mortimermaiden: [restaurant] Manager: You're fired. Me: Why?! Manager: You're a bad waiter. Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

@Karate_Horse: [loud speaker] "Hi shoppers I see a lot of confused guys with mustaches. we've moved the Hawaiian shirt section next to the pleated jorts"

@ComedicBust: Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.