“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
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Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
congratulations to them
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”