Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
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This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!