this is me
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Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant