*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
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Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
how to have fun when you’re poor
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play