When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
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I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
normalize having existential bread
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.