Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
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If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting