Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
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Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Meow
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it