@beardofprey: last night my dog shit on the floor then at some point the Roomba came and smeared it all over the house :D

@n0tblonde: You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

@beeftweets: "Omelet you finish," -Kanyegg West

@Parentpains: If you ever hear me say that I missed you it's only because I have bad aim.

@ThisLocalHater: [During sex] Me: I know you want me to be "naughty", but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.