God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
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While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins