Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Kermit goes Blue.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
@ candidates for local office
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out