Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
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“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly