God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
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Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.