This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
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me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
it’s a van. how do they not know this
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Mornin
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef