This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
You Might Also Like
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.