Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
You Might Also Like
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo