This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
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Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
just make the entire table out of coaster
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.