@tweetsauce: This is ridiculous: "www" contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is 'short' for, "world wide web."
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@KeetPotato: mailman: ahhh nothing quite like returning home from a long day delivering m- [gets attacked by his own dog]
@RidiculousSheri: *me looking at a police lineup* Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
@MartaEffing: When my date told me he was a 'culinary genius', I replied, 'Then this Brazilian won't go to waste!', and winked. Now we wait.
@JohnLyonTweets: Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.