This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
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I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them