Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
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Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Previously On Persistence 😎
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”