@AGreaterMonster: This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.
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@curlycomedy: At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: Give me your wallet! Me: Back off! I know karate. *later* Me: Well, he called my bluff. Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
@michaelianblack: Why are we making such a big deal about the wheels on the bus going round and round? They're wheels.
@StellaRtwot: I appreciate when aerobic instructors say "Don't forget to breathe" because I sometimes forget and then I die.