If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
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Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*